Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

The Republican Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude
and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above
sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your
problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but,
somehow, now it's my fault."

Police Comments

>> #16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just
>> went through."
>>
>> #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
>> after you wear them a while."
>>
>> #14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate
>> a worthless document."
>>
>> #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
>>
>> #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
>> speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
>>
>> #11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
>> write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
>>
>> #10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
>> will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
>>
>> #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
>> again or I'll give you another ticket."
>>
>> #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
>> or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
>>
>> #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
>> ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
>>
>> #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
>> oven."
>>
>> #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
>>
>> #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
>>
>> #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
>> allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
>>
>> #2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
>> yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
>>
>> AND THE WINNER IS....
>>
>> #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
>> don't. Sign here."

Subject: WHY OUR NATION IS DOOMED!
>>> >
>>> > > A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers
>>> some examples of why our
>>> >country is in trouble!
>>> > > 1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask
>>> for an aisle seat so that
>>> >her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the
>>> window.
>>> >
>>> > > 2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer,
>>> who wanted to go to
>>> >Capetown. I started to explain the length of the
>>> flight and the passport
>>> >information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not
>>> trying to make you look
>>> >stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
>>> > Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly
>>> explained, "Cape Cod is
>>> >in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
>>> > Her response? Click.
>>> >
>>> > > 3. A senior Vermont Congressman called,
>>> furious about a Florida
>>> >package
>>> >we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation
>>> in Orlando. He said he
>>> >was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to
>>> explain that's not possible,
>>> >since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
>>> > He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the
>>> map and Florida is a very
>>> >thin state!" (OMG)
>>> >
>>> > > 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who
>>> asked, "Is it possible to
>>> >see England from Canada?"
>>> > I said, "No."
>>> > She said, "But they look so close on the map."
>>> >
>>> > > 5. An aide for a cabinet member once called
>>> and asked if he could
>>> >rent
>>> >a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation,
>>> I noticed he had only a
>>> >1-hour layover in Dallas.
>>> > When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
>>> said, "I heard Dallas
>>> >was
>>> >a big airport, and we will need a car to drive
>>> between gates to save time."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > > 6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last
>>> week. She needed to know
>>> >how
>>> >it was possible that her flight from Detroit left
>>> at 8:30 am got to Chicago
>>> >at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour
>>> ahead of Illinois, but
>>> >she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
>>> > Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she
>>> bought that.
>>> >
>>> > > 7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do
>>> airlines put your
>>> >physical
>>> >description on your bag so they know whose luggage
>>> belongs to whom?"
>>> > I said, "No, why do you ask?"
>>> >She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
>>> airline, they put a tag on
>>> >my
>>> >luggage that read (FAT), and I'm overweight. I
>>> think that's very rude!"
>>> > After putting her on hold for a minute while I
>>> looked into it (I was
>>> >laughing), I came back on and explained the city
>>> code for Fresno, CA is FAT
>>> >- Fresno Air Terminal, and the airline was just
>>> putting a destination tag
>>> >on
>>> >her luggage.

>>> > 8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a
>>> trip package to Hawaii.
>>> >After going over all the cost info, she asked,
>>> "Would it be cheaper to fly
>>> >to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
>>>>> >
>>> > 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman
>>> Congressman who asked, "How
>>> >do
>>> >I know which plane to get on?"
>>> > I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
>>> replied, "I was told my
>>> >flight number is 823, but none of these planes have
>>> numbers on them."
>>> >
>>> > > 10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need
>>> to fly to Pepsi-Cola,
>>> >Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little
>>> computer planes?"
>>> > I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on
>>> a commuter plane.
>>> > She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
>>> >
>>> > > 11. A senior Senator called and had a
>>> question about the documents he
>>> >needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy
>>> discussion about
>>> >passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa.
>>> > "Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times
>>> and never had to have
>>> >one
>>> >of those."
>>> > I double checked and sure enough, his stay
>>> required a visa. When I told
>>> >him this, he said, "Look, I've been to China four
>>> times and every time they
>>> >have accepted my American Express!"
>>> >
>>> > > 12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make
>>> reservations, "I want
>>> >to
>>> >go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."
>>> > I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said,
>>> "Are you sure that's the
>>> >name of the town?"
>>> > "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the
>>> lady.
>>> > After some searching, I came back with, "I'm
>>> sorry, ma'am, I've looked
>>> >up
>>> >every airport code in the country and can't find a
>>> Rhino anywhere."
>>> > The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone
>>> knows where it is.
>>> >Check
>>> >your map!"
>>> > So I scoured a map of New York state and finally
>>> offered, "You don't mean
>>> >Buffalo, do you?"
>>> > The reply?
>>> > "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

FRIENDS vs. "SOUTHERN" FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.

FRIENDS: Will say "hello."
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
More than one.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
And often.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just
being together. Then do the dishes before leaving.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
And most of the time know you better than you do yourself.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' backends that left you.
Then walk beside you in the front of the crowd.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
If you are not home they will wait.

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If......
Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.
You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill
You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light..